I don’t think I’ve talked about my last serious relationship on here all that much (or maybe I have and am in serious need of some ginkgo biloba). I won’t get into all of the gory details but in a nutshell, it was a very heavy relationship and got very serious very quickly. Our whole relationship we only spent a total of 5 days apart (despite what romantic comedies may say, this isnt healthy). My gut told me the entire way not to get into it, not to let myself fall for this guy but I was at a point in my life where I’d only dated a couple of guys and was beginning to wonder if I would ever be in a serious relationship. To put it blunty…I was lonely. And so was he. This combination can be lethal for a relationship.
I had another one of my night time revelations the other night. It’s been almost 4 years now that he and I have been broken up and though it took me a long time to move on, I finally did and I got a lot of closure on the relationship and closure with my feelings about it. There was something that bubbled to the surface the other night though that hadn’t before. I was so miserable for a large portion of the relationship for a lot of reasons but something I never pinpointed until this week was that I never felt like he truly wanted me there. It hit me me like a train moving at full speed that one of the biggest reasons was that of course, he was emotionally unavailable and that because of that, I constantly felt like he could take me or leave me. That if I walked out that door one day and never came back, he would never even care because he was too busy missing someone else anyway. I can’t even begin to describe how piercing that felt. To live with someone but know that you aren’t even filling the loneliness void for them. To feel like you’re not even serving a purpose being there anyway.
I read something else today that got me thinking. I was reading an article about breakups and one of the “rules” it told women to follow after a breakup was “Blow off the ‘lets be friends’ speech that’s more about his guilt than your happiness.” Against my better judgement, I believed him when he said this after we broke up and it led to even more heartbreak, bad decisions and tears than the relationship itself had. I couldn’t see that he just wanted to appease his guilt by keeping me in his life (among other things). A lot of our relationship focused around his guilt for events that transpired in his life. He felt guilty for dating me even. He felt like he was holding me back. So why wouldn’t he try to appease that guilt by offering friendship?
That time in my life was the hardest I’ve had to this day. I had a job I was miserable at, I was living away from home for the first time and living with a man that was completely emotionally shut down, lost, and angry. I try not to be too preachy in my blogs and want to let people draw whatever conclusions they can from it on their own or apply it to their lives however they want or need to, but if there’s any piece of wisdom I can offer from this, it’s always follow your gut because it’s telling you something for a reason. And trust me, it’s much more emotionally draining to try and fight it. And secondly, no matter how lonely you are, no matter how hopeless it may seem…never date someone simply because you’re lonely or because you’re ready to give up hope like I did. Don’t be with them just because they’re lonely too. Be with someone because you want to. Because they make you laugh and they make you happy. Because you bring out the best in each other, not the worst. Because you care about them, not because you want to save them or fix them.