The Good Guys

“Men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken.”

This is one of the few posts that I feel like I’ll probably need to put a disclaimer in front of. What I’m about to say is merely my opinion. I’m not taking sides, placing blame (in fact, I’m trying to understand both sides), or trying to judge anyone in any way shape or form. I’m merely writing what I’ve observed about men and women in the dating world and trying to sort some ideas out for myself.

That being said, I had a realization the other day. As the quote above says pretty clearly (and is on a magnet my roommate bought that’s on our fridge),  women often find ourselves saying “there are no good guys out there” or “why can’t I find a good guy?” I’ve certainly asked these questions plenty of times in my dating life. But then I thought…what if there are good guys out there, they’re just not good yet? What I mean by that is they’re still immature and doing the whole non-commitment or player thing. It’s not that they’re bad guys necessarily, they just want to play the field and have almost been conditioned to be that way. And when I say “good,” I mean commitment-ready more than anything. And here’s where the disclaimer comes in…sometimes as women we don’t help that conditioning. One of the great things about the women’s movement is we could be free to be who we wanted, to do what we wanted, and be sexually empowered. We didn’t just have to have sex after marriage anymore. We could sleep with who we wanted, when we wanted. I think the concept of that is great. Unfortunately, I think the reality of it is oftentimes a lot different. I think the numbers of women that sleep with guys without commitment simply because they like sex or aren’t interested in a relationship is much smaller compared to those who do it because they want to be loved or want validation that they’re worthy from a guy. So in attempts to find that validation, women sleep with guys way too soon and the guy bails and the cycle continues. It doesn’t help that when women do this kind of thing, they’re labelled as “sluts” or “whores” but when a guy does it, he gets a high five from his friends and the rest of society.

Guys are being trained that they don’t have to commit to a woman to get sex anymore. They can just go to a bar and find plenty of takers.  They don’t need to settle down yet. They can play the field for years until they finally decide to settle down and start a family. But a lot of times, for women, we are ready for a commitment much earlier on than men are so we end up getting thrown onto their timeline to an extent.

I don’t think in any way, this kind of sexual behavior on womens’ part is the only reason that the amount of men that just want to sleep with women has seemingly increased over the years. Something I’ve noticed in my experience is that guys often have one really bad heartbreak – that one girl they really loved and fell for that hurt them – and it sends them right to Commitment-a-phobe Town USA. Who knows? Maybe guys are looking for the female validation when they sleep with a lot of women too.

We all want to be loved: male or female. I think there are plenty of men out there who want be loved just as much as women and are asking themselves “why can’t I find a good woman?” We’ve all been hurt in one way or another by someone we cared about, wanted to be with or were with. Those can leave some nasty scars sometimes. So when I say maybe guys just aren’t good yet, I think a lot are just trying to find their way, just like we all are. This isn’t to say I think it’s OK to play women and “hit it and quit it” because it’s not (unless you’re up front about that being all you want). We all have choices in the way we behave and treat people in life so no matter how much you may have been hurt, the ideal result wouldn’t be that you’d turn around and hurt others. I just wanted to try gain a little more understanding of the male side because so often, I’m quick to jump on the Blame Bandwagon and write guys off.

I’ll likely never really know the answer to my question and I’m still admittedly a little uncomfortable with the idea still. That a bunch of guys are just going to miraculously turn from “playahs” to relationship-ready dudes in a matter of years but for me, even trying to give guys more of the benefit of the doubt is a big step. And it consequently helps increase the hope that whether it be now, or in the future, there are good guys out there for myself and for all my amazing single friends. Keeping the dating faith!

 

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7 thoughts on “The Good Guys

  1. There are good men… but as with any good relationship partner, there is more demand than supply. We also are looking at an epidemic of men who think they’re nice guys but are actually rape culture asshats who feel entitled to sexual attention from anyone they want, and those who reject them earn vicious insults. If you haven’t already, witness the horror of the “nice guys of okcupid” blog. As always, approach such men with caution if you must approach them at all.

    1. Thanks for the comment irongyro! I think that’s a good point and I myself have come in to contact with such men who think they are nice guys, and the key word is “think.” I just read that blog the other day too ironically and it was both frightening and enlightening.

  2. This is a big step for ya! 🙂

    I stumbled upon a good read, you might enjoy… She also has a few extremely popular TED talks. I honestly am ashamed i havent heard of her before! lol. The book is “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown.

    1. I have read it actually. It had some good points (like the waiting to sleep with a guy, etc) but I had a hard time fully accepting advice from someone who cheated on their spouse and didn’t express a lot of remorse for it. Still an interesting read overall though.

  3. Exactly! He’s trying to tell females about a typical guy’s behavior. I saw him on a talk show and he admitted to being a total jerk, but that’s who he was or is! I think there’s a good chance that he will again if given the opportunity. There is no emotional pain that hurts as much as the betrayal of someone you loved unconditionally. Stay positive the right one will come along and it may or may not last a lifetime but it’s worth the ride.

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