So as my last entry indicated, I’ve been struggling with this idea of balance in my life lately…with trying to find the in-between. I guess it’s still a part of that wanting to have all the answers and be “perfect” that I’m working on letting go of.
I read a quote on someone’s Facebook this week that said something to the effect that people treat you the way you allow them to. This certainly isn’t something I’ve never heard before but it just seemed to strike me extra hard this time. I’m still battling a lot with this idea of being too nice, whether it be at work or in my personal life. I’ve gotten much better at vocalizing my opinions and standing up for myself but I still can’t help but wonder if I allow people to walk all over me. If I allow them to take advantage of me and that’s why I’ve been in some of the situations I have. I can think of times when I’ve let someone make me feel bad about something that I had absolutely no reason to feel bad about. People who’ve taken advantage of my kind nature and tried to turn things around to make it seem like my problem or my fault when it was really their doing. And I’ve let it happen. Even if it was just for a split second, I might have turned it around on myself. Sometimes I’ve even apologized.
I used to do this with my ex-boyfriend a lot too. I hated fighting so much that I would just apologize to end the conflict, even if it wasn’t my fault. His screaming at me and making me cry in front of his entire family in the driveway of the house we lived in together because I was upset at him for punching a gas pump then losing my gas cap at the station? I apologized for that one, not him. So I think in a lot of ways, I just don’t want to ruffle feathers. I don’t want to make anyone mad or cause any kind of confrontation (even though sometimes, that’s just a part of life).
I also think I’m just a genuinely nice person and I’m not ashamed of that. I think everyone deserves to be treated kindly and with respect, even if it’s someone who hasn’t returned that or even if it’s someone I don’t particularly like. If I don’t like someone, it’s not likely to be terribly apparent because I’ll still say hi and at least attempt an effort. So I think in a lot of ways, this is just who I am and I shouldn’t want to change that.
But at the same time, I don’t want that personality trait to give others a free pass to treat me less than, or to take advantage of it. I don’t want to allow people to treat me that way. So I guess for right now, I’m still working on finding that balance. Maybe it will take me my whole life to truly find the balance. I want some clear sign to fall out of the sky and tell me exactly how I should act of course, but I know that’s just not how life works. For now, I guess the only thing that’s truly known is that everything is still a little unknown 🙂 In the words of James Morrison: I’m not lost, I’m not lost, just undiscovered.