Someone once asked me how I maintain such a positive attitude. The truth is, I don’t. I guess you could say I maintain one, but that certainly doesn’t mean I have one all the time.

At the end of the month, I’m having a semi-serious procedure done. It’s not serious in the sense that I’ll be in the hospital for a long time or anything (in fact, it’s outpatient) but the results and ramifications of the procedure could be serious and you know what? It’s scary. Really scary. Maybe I’m overreacting. I am the person who looks up my symptoms on WebMD and if I see cancer in the list of possibilities, I freak out a little. But what I could find out from this procedure could actually be a pretty damn big deal.

The day I found out, I was having a great day too. I was about to doze off for a quick nap in my car on my lunch break when I got an email from my doctor. I had had some testing done just a few days earlier so I knew the news probably wasn’t good. Sure enough, it wasn’t.

It’s hard to stay positive and upbeat when curve balls get thrown your way. My great day turned into a really sad one in about 2 minutes and I couldn’t focus the rest of the day. I had been confident the first test results were going to be fine. I had been “positive” in fact. I’m the healthiest I’ve been in my probably my whole life (save for the occasional food binges at Disneyland). When you get knocked down from your positive pedestal like that, sometimes it feels like you’ve fallen twice as far as if you’d been negative. That actually used to be my excuse for being “glass half empty” growing up. If you assume the worst, when the worst doesn’t actually happen you will be that much happier and if the worst does happen, then you won’t be surprised right?

I definitely do not live by that mantra anymore but that still doesn’t mean that I don’t feel emotionally and physically knocked down sometimes when I’m trying to maintain a positive outlook on life and feel sure that everything will work out and then it doesn’t. When I feel like I’m really starting to get on track and then something happens to throw me off again; something usually totally out of my control.

It’s been an up-and-down couple of weeks since I got the email from my doctor but you know what? I’m still trying to see the glass as half full. I’m still telling myself it’s going to be fine (that might be more denial than positivity though!). I’m terrified of feeling that way because I’m scared of being proven wrong again but I know at the same time, I can’t sit around and feel miserable about it. Maybe the results will be good and maybe they won’t. I can’t worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet and as much as I might want to, I don’t want to assume the worst. I’d rather get knocked off the pedestal by circumstance and fall further than knock myself off of it before anything has even happened yet.


2 thoughts on “Attitude

  1. But Jackie if you would have held all this info in you would be feeling worse. We as your friends appreciate you being open and honest with us. If and when you ever need us for help, we understand why and like you we do the best we can. Its got to be a team effort. Don’t go through it all alone. That’s what friends do: morally support each other:-).

  2. I feel the same way you do when it comes to my health. The unknown is a scary thing. I hope everything woks out for you.

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