Here’s a pretty big thing about myself that I don’t tell a whole lot of people (but now have told the whole blogosphere):
I don’t want to have kids. There’s a lot of reasons for it and most of it pertains to my disability, but it’s become increasingly apparent that this fact does not make an already difficult dating situation any easier.
This pushed me into a pretty hard realization tonight. I genuinely, truly think I want (and need) to be alone. Not forever, but right now I think it’s the best. I’m just tired. Tired of having to weed through a mound of guys to find the good ones or the ones that won’t care about my disability. Tired of having to find a guy with all those qualities that also won’t want kids. I’m not 100% no on it, but I can say that right now, where I’m at…I’m about 98% sure I don’t want to have kids. Adopt them? Maybe. And of course guys want to have kids. It’s in their DNA and they aren’t the ones who have to carry and deliver the baby. That old “I want to carry on my line and the family name” still applies. And I don’t know if I can be that girl. The one that gives you little versions of yourself and the family and the white picket fence.
So why am I expelling all this energy into dating and trying to find a life partner when I’m not even sure I’m ready to meet that challenge to begin with?
Would it be nice to have someone to always do stuff with and share a life with? Of course. I can’t wait for the day I can finally use those Groupon Getaways that are “for 2” (yes, I’m serious). An anecdote for the occasional loneliness would be great, I can’t lie.
But being single really isn’t some horrible life sentence either. This is what my life has been for so long, I’ve really gotten used to it. Maybe I’m afraid of change and am just putting walls up to try protect myself, I don’t know. But I’m in a place in my life where I just don’t think I’m going to find someone who can give me what I need or someone I can provide what they need to. Maybe when I’m in my late 30s or early 40s I can find a guy who already has kids and has no interest in having any more (don’t recommend trying that at 22 by the way). Right now though, I’m just not sure it’s in the cards.
This thing I was born with. This thing that wasn’t my fault or my choice to have just seems to permeate so many areas of my life and though it’s really so minor in comparison to what other people have to deal with, I’m not going to lie…it’s frustrating and it’s tiring at times, especially right now. It’s one thing to have to deal with it yourself but that’s the thing isn’t it? It’s not just me dealing with it. It’s any friends I choose to make that have to deal with it. It’s any person that I date or am potentially in a relationship with that has to deal with it. It’s my family that has to deal with it too.
I know I’m having a bit of a pity party here but this is definitely some serious personal food for thought. I don’t know if being in a relationship again is really something I want as much as I think I do sometimes.