I was just watching a show and they said something really simple but really profound: “We have to live life the fullest, even if it means getting hurt.” This is something I’m not just not good at it, I’m awful at it. Like a lot of people, the idea of getting hurt absolutely terrifies me. To the point I have so many walls built up, I don’t even know how to begin to knock them down. How do you allow yourself to open up and live life to the fullest when you’re so afraid of the getting hurt part?
I understand the thought logically of course. It makes perfect sense in my head that we just have to let go and allow ourselves to feel things sometimes. We have to allow ourselves to care and to love another person, even if it means getting crushed in the process. But my heart and my emotions just don’t follow. I do everything I can to avoid feeling things for someone else. For allowing myself to feel things for someone else. I don’t want to let yet another person trample all over me so I end up running away or pushing away. I want to be able to love freely but then my head jumps in and says, “Nope, don’t do that. That person doesn’t deserve it. He’ll just hurt you like all the rest.” I’ve seen other people be able to do it, to be able to just love and feel with reckless abandon. Then I’ve watched them get hurt. Some of them have become jaded like I have but others never let it stop them from loving the next person just as much.
I’m so good at enjoying the little things in life…breathing and taking in everyday. But the vulnerability…the opening up…that part I’m not so good at (despite having read an entire book on the subject). It’s one of those things that unfortunately no amount of reading, no real amount of inspiration is going to help. I have to somehow look inside myself and be able to find ways to get out the jackhammer and start taking down those walls brick by brick. If anyone knows of a good hardware store, please let me know (and excuse the totally intentional Pink Floyd reference in my title) 🙂