Since I’ve mentioned this like 100 times, I’m sure you are all keenly aware of my problems with being vulnerable. I don’t really believe in New Years’ resolutions because they’re so temporary so when this new year started, I made more of what I like to think of as a life choice. I don’t really know how or why it happened but I just decided to start living and stop being so afraid of what might happen or of getting hurt.
I’ve had some very valuable conversations with friends that have really opened my eyes to what I’ve maybe been doing wrong, especially when it comes to dating. I tend to compartmentalize guys…something I’d never even thought of before. I just didn’t think that a guy who would be interested in something like hookups could ever be a guy that would be interested in a relationship. Yes, that assertion has come from my experience with dating guys but when you think about the number of guys I’ve dated versus the entire population of men in the world, that’s such a minuscule sample. And furthermore, I have a couple of guy friends that yes might go out and make out with random girls sometimes but because I’ve gotten to know them, I know their heart and I know they really do want a relationship. So why shouldn’t I believe that from other guys? Just because I might not know them as well doesn’t mean it’s not possible. I already feel like I’ve missed out on so many dating experiences because I was so shy and scared for so long, do I really want that to keep piling up out of fear of being vulnerable? Yes, of course this opens me up to the potential for a hell of a lot more hurt. I might meet 10 more guys that say they want a relationship and don’t, or aren’t looking for anything serious (but are looking for something else) or end up falling off the face of the Earth right when I start to like them. That’s always a possibility. But I’ll never really know unless I give the guy a chance and really take the time to get to know him (and stop trying to figure out which “category” he’s in). Plus, I realized what an easy excuse my past hurt has been for me. I’ve used it as a roadblock or proof why I can’t be vulnerable. Instead of really trying to get to know someone or give them a chance, I’ve let my past experiences shape my current ones and send me running to the hills at the slightest obstacle, citing my not wanting to get hurt again as the reason.
But I’ve also seen what wonderful things being vulnerable can do. When I started blogging, it brought me so much closer to so many people in my life. People I may not have gotten so close with had I not elected to be open. Being open through words on a blog is definitely a little easier than doing it in person, but it was definitely a big step in the right direction. I’ve made a vow to myself to open myself up to people, not just guys, because I’ve seen what amazing things can result from it. Even something as little as saying hi to someone or smiling at a stranger can make such a difference. Telling people how much you care about them or what they mean to you. When you bounce that ball of vulnerability over to people, chances are it’s going to bounce right back at you with their openness and vulnerability. There may be people that doesn’t happen with because they might not be in a place to be able to bounce the ball back yet but from what I’ve found, the people who are really worthy of you opening up to, will always respond in kind.
I’m excited to start exercising this new life choice and bouncing that ball around more!