I’ve been struggling lately and I don’t even really know why. I’m easily irritated, emotional. I almost cried because of something a coworker said to me today. I’ll feel sad and completely hopeless, then the next day I’ll be totally fine. A lot of the irritability has been directed at myself. It seems like lately I’ve been dropping things more often, spilling things, ruining clothes and things around the house. You might read that and think, “Well of course, that’s a normal part of life.” But when you have a disability, things like that can seem like a huge deal…especially dropping things. If you’ve never seen someone with MD try to pick something off the ground, we can’t do it like a person with a normal amount of physical strength. I can’t squat…at all. So I have to use my back and all the leg strength I have to pick something off of the ground. And sometimes, it hurts. It seems to hurt more and more as I get older and my back starts to rebel against me. So the more I drop things, the more angry I get because I know what it does to my body. I think I feel like as my body fails me, that makes me feel like a failure even though I know it’s not my fault that my body is the way it is.
I’ve been feeling lonely more than usual too. Not in the I don’t have a relationship sense but more in the friendship sense. I have a lot of amazing friends and I don’t want to discount them here at all, but lately I’ve been having weekends where I’ve done nothing and I look down at my phone and realize I don’t have anyone to really just call and say “hey, let’s go do something” because everyone else has a significant other that they’re doing stuff with. There’s really no one to blame for that than me either because I’m not out there trying to meet new people.
The same goes for dating. I signed back up for online dating and regretted it almost immediately. I wish I could figure out what I want but the truth is I just have no idea (so men, here’s a woman openly admitting that 🙂 ). I would rather spend the weekend alone than have a date in all honesty. Dates feel a lot like job interviews for me and I would just rather relax or spend time on myself. I feel like that has to mean I don’t really want a relationship. I feel like I do but I’m not really willing to put in the work for it. It would be one thing if I met a cool guy out in the world or through a friend or something like that but online dating is just a different ball game for me. I know that’s the way so many people meet these days and more power to all of you that do it, but every time I sign back up, something inside me just ends up hating the idea vehemently. I don’t know if I’m scared, if I have walls up or what. I’m just completely clueless about why I feel the way I do and I might end up 55 and single still because of it.
A lot of things are going really well though. I love my new job and my boss is literally the best boss anyone could have (though she’ll be leaving in a few months which is a huge bummer). I’m reminded on a daily basis what awesome people I work with. I’m sure all the other stuff will pass; it’s just weird. Life is full of ups and downs but it feels like I’ve made some really good ups, only to have some big downs again. I feel like with all of the inspirational stuff I read and the work I try to do on myself, I should be more on my way to be able to deal with the curve balls that come up in life.
I guess we have Exhibit A in Jackie being too hard on herself again. Damn self-compassion that keeps eluding me.