The Up and Down

I’ve been struggling lately and I don’t even really know why. I’m easily irritated, emotional. I almost cried because of something a coworker said to me today. I’ll feel sad and completely hopeless, then the next day I’ll be totally fine. A lot of the irritability has been directed at myself. It seems like lately I’ve been dropping things more often, spilling things, ruining clothes and things around the house. You might read that and think, “Well of course, that’s a normal part of life.” But when you have a disability, things like that can seem like a huge deal…especially dropping things. If you’ve never seen someone with MD try to pick something off the ground, we can’t do it like a person with a normal amount of physical strength. I can’t squat…at all. So I have to use my back and all the leg strength I have to pick something off of the ground. And sometimes, it hurts. It seems to hurt more and more as I get older and my back starts to rebel against me. So the more I drop things, the more angry I get because I know what it does to my body. I think I feel like as my body fails me, that makes me feel like a failure even though I know it’s not my fault that my body is the way it is.

I’ve been feeling lonely more than usual too. Not in the I don’t have a relationship sense but more in the friendship sense. I have a lot of amazing friends and I don’t want to discount them here at all, but lately I’ve been having weekends where I’ve done nothing and I look down at my phone and realize I don’t have anyone to really just call and say “hey, let’s go do something” because everyone else has a significant other that they’re doing stuff with. There’s really no one to blame for that than me either because I’m not out there trying to meet new people.

The same goes for dating. I signed back up for online dating and regretted it almost immediately. I wish I could figure out what I want but the truth is I just have no idea (so men, here’s a woman openly admitting that 🙂 ). I would rather spend the weekend alone than have a date in all honesty. Dates feel a lot like job interviews for me and I would just rather relax or spend time on myself. I feel like that has to mean I don’t really want a relationship. I feel like I do but I’m not really willing to put in the work for it. It would be one thing if I met a cool guy out in the world or through a friend or something like that but online dating is just a different ball game for me. I know that’s the way so many people meet these days and more power to all of you that do it, but every time I sign back up, something inside me just ends up hating the idea vehemently. I don’t know if I’m scared, if I have walls up or what. I’m just completely clueless about why I feel the way I do and I might end up 55 and single still because of it.

A lot of things are going really well though. I love my new job and my boss is literally the best boss anyone could have (though she’ll be leaving in a few months which is a huge bummer). I’m reminded on a daily basis what awesome people I work with. I’m sure all the other stuff will pass; it’s just weird. Life is full of ups and downs but it feels like I’ve made some really good ups, only to have some big downs again. I feel like with all of the inspirational stuff I read and the work I try to do on myself, I should be more on my way to be able to deal with the curve balls that come up in life.

I guess we have Exhibit A in Jackie being too hard on herself again. Damn self-compassion that keeps eluding me.

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3 thoughts on “The Up and Down

  1. Jackie, I wish I knew something to say that could help you get through this difficult time. You’re right, we all go through emotional ups and downs in life, and we all have our burdens, whether physical or emotional or whatever. But I’ll offer one thing that I always suggest to people (including myself): I find that spending some quiet time in nature helps put things in perspective and smooth out some of the bumps life hands us. The combination of fresh air and seeing trees and birds, etc. has been shown to have real impact on the way our brains function, almost like a natural drug.

    I hope you feel better very soon — hang in there!

    1. Thank you Kim! I really appreciate it. Though there sadly aren’t a lot of trees and nature left where I live in California (that I can easily access anyway), I think that’s a great point that just being outside can really help. I was sitting on the couch typing up this blog and the window next to me was open and I felt a cool breeze blow in. Just that one thing alone made me feel more calm and content.Thanks for the comment 🙂

  2. I understand just how you feel. I have a bad back, two bad knees and brain damage from multiple concussions that make me real shaky and dizzy (thank you abusive drunk SOB husband)

    When I couldn’t make my bed I got angry with myself and snapped at everyone. I am trying to learn to be more patient with myself especially now that I am facing the amputation of a leg above the knee due to a fall, I am really going to need all the Grace I can get.

    Friends? Well they are all busy doing something, and I can’t do anything. Gotta cart along a wheelchair, and need to be able to find a bathroom that I can use. I can’t squat either, not even to get on and off a low toilet. No one calls, cause everyone I know has a life. I am alone all the time, but I try not to be lonely and try to enjoy alone time. My day is spent on my iPad. There are people there, like you, but no face to face hugs or touching. Oh just to be touched by another human being would be so nice.

    Take care of yourself girl and don’t turn into a grumpy old woman (51) like me spending her life in a nursing home where the staff is too busy to even talk.

    Peace,
    Heidrun ✌️

    An eye for an eye makes the world blind ~ Ghandi

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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