The world may not always be kind to you, so you have to be kind to yourself.
These are words I had been trying to remind myself of over and over the past couple of weeks as every aspect of my life felt like it was starting to implode. I keep feeling like I’m coming out of the tunnel with this accident stuff but then something else sneaks up. My insurance company screws up again, I have someone else’s mistake to fix. To add to that, I haven’t been liking myself all that much either. I haven’t felt good at things in my life, I hate that I am not a good verbal communicator. I hate that I’m not more confident in the workplace. I hate always worrying I am going to lose my job again. I don’t like how I get when I drink and I hate that I am so nice.
I went to pick up my new glasses at Costco on Friday, only to find out once I got home that the Optical employee melted the left lens with the frame adjuster machine. He looked right at them and let me walk out of the store with damaged glasses…glasses that I had to buy in the first place because my other pair was broken in my car accident. I just totally lost it Friday night. I cried for about an hour in bed because I was just so overwhelmed. I wondered to myself…why am I so nice to people when they aren’t nice to me back? Do I walk around with a big “Idiot” sign on my head that signals to so many people to walk all over me or treat me horribly? I was so happy and positive before my accident and even the day of and what was the payoff for that? My insurance company was ignoring me and causing me all kinds of problems and now I had to go back to Costco to get a new pair of glasses because someone else didn’t care to do what they were supposed to.
So today I went in to Costco to return my glasses and I acted in a way I almost never have in my life towards someone else…I was angry and I was rude to someone. My dad even had to tell me to calm down because I was nearly having a fit about having to take my glasses back. After we left and I had some time for everything sink in, I am going to be honest…it felt good in a way to have gotten that anger out. I’ve had so many emotions going on inside of me these past couple of weeks that I think they finally just erupted out in that moment. I also felt bad though. It wasn’t the woman working at Costco’s fault that the other guy had treated me so horribly and ruined my glasses or caused me all this extra stress. But she was still pretty darn nice to me. I not only felt bad but it just didn’t feel right to act that way either. I knew that it was against who I am to act like that. My friend put it really well…he said “it’s ok to have bad days but don’t question who you are” and who I am is a nice person.
I honestly do not always like that I’m nice…I really don’t. I feel like people think that gives them a free pass to treat me like crap but that’s where standing up for myself comes from and just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I can’t assert myself. I get frustrated that this is still a balance I haven’t totally learned yet but I know just in the past year, I’ve been so much better about speaking my mind or being honest about my feelings. I’m dealing with a lot of stuff right now but I don’t want to be this angry, bitter person. I don’t want to hate everyone because of the mistakes of a few. I hope I can get back to the attitude I had before my accident. I hope I can get reconnected with my inner compassion because right now, that seems to be buried pretty deep. And I especially hope I can get reconnected with my inner self-compassion. I am so hard on myself and beat myself up for the things I can’t do right, for the skills I might not have perfected yet, even for the way I feel sometimes but that gets me absolutely nowhere. It leads me straight to the Port of Misery. It makes me sad and discontent. I am going to have many more tough situations thrown my way in the rest of my time on earth and I can’t always default to becoming hopeless and angry because that not only doesn’t help anyone around me, it doesn’t help me either. I accept I’m going to have bad days and I accept that sometimes I’m going to falter and make mistakes but I want to accept that I am deserving of self-love and self-compassion also.