Dancing has always been a very strange and very symbolic thing for me. It’s one of those things I just don’t really enjoy doing. I’m not sure if it’s just because of my disability or not. There’s been times when I’ve just let go and danced before but sometimes (more often than not), I just don’t feel like it. It’s a lot of energy for me physically and sometimes that’s just not how I choose to expel it. And yes, there’s still a certain part of me that gets self-conscious when I dance because I just can’t pick my legs off of the floor (my upper body though has great rhythm!).
I was at an awesomely fun bachelorette party last night and we ended up at an Irish pub. There was a middle-aged cover band playing various rock songs and we were all laughing and having a good time. Some of the girls got up to dance and as per usual, wanted me to go dance with them. The bride is a good friend so she understood and some of the other ladies stayed behind and didn’t want to dance either. I watched a couple that was at a table in front of us. The guy was a typical OC-looking guy and his girlfriend was a very pretty blonde girl. They were nice and bought the bride a celebratory shot. The girlfriend had no qualms about getting up and dancing with everyone and just letting go and as she did, her boyfriend leaned over to a guy that I think was his dad and said “Isn’t she hot?” Now I am in a place in my life where I’m self-aware enough to know that I would much rather have a guy lean over and say “Isn’t she great?” or “Isn’t she awesome?” about me but this still got me thinking. I’m generally under the impression these days that the type of girl most guys want is the spontaneous, get up and dance whenever type of girl. And I’m (not) sorry, but that girl just isn’t me. That’s not to say I can’t let go and be spontaneous in other aspects of my life but I just don’t have the luxury to be able to do things like get up and dance the night away at a bar sometimes. My legs get tired. I can’t constantly get up and down out of my seat. I have to plan things sometimes so I know what kind of physical obstacles I might be up against.
I don’t want to give my disability the power to be any more of an excuse than it has been for so many years, but this is just my life. I can’t always do everything everyone else can. That doesn’t mean I’m not awesome in my own way or that there aren’t other things I can do. I just get frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed with the expectations I feel as a single woman. I know that’s something a lot of women struggle with too, not just those with a disability. There’s so much “be this, do that, guys want this, guys don’t want that” and you know what…the more pressure I feel, the more I just say “fuck you” to all of it. I know that makes me sound kind of bitter and angry but it’s honestly how I feel. Like I said in my last entry, I don’t want to fit into some box just to please everyone else, especially not some guy. I don’t want to wear tight dresses and high heels. I don’t always want to get up and dance. I can’t always be spontaneous. I have a limp. I have a poochy stomach. I’m not tan. I don’t have big boobs. My skin isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. Maybe that isn’t the description of a girl that’s hot. Maybe that’s not the description of a girl every guy wants (maybe that’s not even giving guys enough credit) but you know what? I don’t care. The only person who needs to think I’m beautiful and I’m amazing is sitting right here…typing this blog.