Aloneliness

I know I haven’t posted a blog in a while. I’ve been struggling a little bit with some things that have happened as a result of my being a blogger. But I never can stay away for too long 🙂

Something has been happening around me at a more increasing rate than before it seems. Guys I know, be it friends or otherwise, are finding relationships left and right and I’ve become the girl that most guys want to talk about the girl they like with (and that girl they like definitely is not me). I’m proud that people feel like I’m someone they can go to for advice or to listen and I try really hard not to compare the trajectory of my life with other people’s. We all have our own paths, but I can’t help but wonder why it seems to be so easy for them to find someone and what I’m doing to become the listening friend-zone girl.

I’ve never really been the girl guys pine after. I’m not the girl who ruins some guy for all other women (not that I would want to do that anyway). I say that in the least self-hating, insecure way possible. I know I have a lot to offer someone and make a great relationship partner, it’s just been a reality. That doesn’t mean I haven’t turned down guys before or ended things with them, I’m just not that girl musicians write songs about or the one it takes guys forever to get over. I don’t know..maybe even saying that isn’t a good thing to put out into the universe. What I’m trying to say is I’ve hidden behind my disability for a long time and was extremely introverted so all those times I haven’t put myself out there, I’ve missed out on opportunities to meet people (and meet guys). I’ve missed opportunities to connect with people because I’ve been scared. I’m uptight. Though I have many hippie beliefs, I’m not really the carefree, spontaneous girl most guys seem to want or are put on a pedestal by society. It’s almost impossible to be that way when you’re born with a disability. I didn’t get into my first serious relationship until I was 22 for a reason. And sometimes these days, it seems I am still in that situation even though I’m a lot more outgoing and have a pretty full social life where I go out and meet people on a fairly regular basis.

But the big question I find myself asking is, “what if I do end up being single forever”? First of all, I know how ridiculous that sounds but I also know hands down I could be doing more to meet guys. The reality is, I’m just not willing to do that right now. Even if I had the option, I wouldn’t go out and hit up bars and clubs every weekend and I don’t want to strike up a conversation the cute guy sitting across from me at Starbucks no matter how cute or interesting he might be (if he struck up a convo, that would be a different story). Though the fear of finding myself being 45 and single grips me like an ice cold winter morning in Minnesota sometimes, I’m just too happy overall being on my own. Not relying on someone else. Not having to factor someone else in my life decisions. I can travel where I want to when I want to. I’m too stubborn to make a change and fully put myself out there right now.

I need to not put a timeline on myself. Even if I am 45 and still single down the road, that doesn’t make my life any less valuable than anyone else’s. It doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong or that there’s something wrong with me (that one is hard to convince myself of sometimes). I just want the reassurance it’s going to happen for me at some point. The unknown is my worst enemy and I’m not always so good at having faith. But I guess all I can do is try.

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