I don’t really know why but I’m generally not one of those people who “won’t give up without a fight” or who sticks with something until it works out. I am fully able to quit and walk away from things I think I just won’t be able to accomplish (in my personal life of course, my actual jobs are a totally different story).
This is especially true when it comes to dating. Yes I know, I’ve practically beat this subject to a pulp on the blogosphere but it’s one that is forever coming in and out of my mind. As some of you may have read in an earlier post, I loudly proclaimed my resignation from the world of dating, and I’ve pretty much kept to that. I haven’t gone back online, haven’t accepted (or really even been asked on for that matter) any dates.
It would be nice if I could be one of those people who could say “Nope, I’m not going to let stereotypes or societal standards or ignorant people get me down and prevent me from finding happiness with someone else. I’m going to keep at this.” So I go back online, reactivate my OkC account and about a week in (2 if I’m lucky) I get annoyed and fed up with trying to figure out the best way to word that I have MD to someone I’m about to meet and then have to wait in suspense to see if they decide to meet me or even reply or not. I’ve tried to go in with a positive, “just see how it goes” attitude but it fails every time. I’ve thought about going back to my original approach where I wouldn’t tell them about my MD until I met them but that just isn’t ideal for either party. I don’t want to spend my already valuable and rare free time sipping coffee with some guy who, once they find out I have MD, is going to never call or want to see me again. I don’t think it’s really fair to the other person either. Even though it’s not my fault I was born this way (Lady Gaga anyone?), the reality is it’s something not everyone can handle and they deserve to know up front. Which again circles back to the whole wasting my time thing.
As you can see, a large part of my dating resignation was due to online dating. I think if I met a cool guy in person who wanted to go see a movie or grab dinner, I would. Now of course as I say that, I was met with a cool nice guy two seats over from me on a plane recently and didn’t give him my number and let him walk away so perhaps that last statement isn’t totally true but you get the idea.
My quitting of dating is kind of two-fold though. I can’t blame it all on online dating or the challenges of doing it with MD…I have my own self-created walls and hang ups. I hear girls talking in the bathroom or at restaurants about the guy they’re talking to. I hear them agonize over whether or not he’s going to call again or what that text message meant. I remember all too vividly what that was like. Waiting to be “scheduled in” by some guy you really like. Spending all your time with your boyfriend to the point you forget who you are as an individual. Letting guys treat you poorly or see you as just as object because you’re not confident enough yet to stand up for yourself or walk away. I’ve been through all of that and it’s exactly what I said…agonizing. And to be honest, I don’t miss any of it…at all. Unfortunately I think this is partially because I view the way I behaved with past guys as weak. I think that it’s weak for me to spend my time daydreaming about a guy or even wondering for a second if he’s going to call (again, I emphasize the me in that sentence…not saying I think the same when other people do it). And to be brutally honest, most times I would rather just spend time with my friends or hanging out solo than out with a guy I barely know, doing the dress up/get to know each other dance. I don’t ever want to be back that position I was in with so many guys because it was miserable. So alas, I equate dating with all of those things, all of those old feelings.
Logically I know that you have to take a risk to be able to get the reward sometimes. If I don’t put myself out there, I’ll never know what I might find. Sometimes I think I’ll be OK if I’m single the rest of my life. As you can tell, I’m not really willing right now to put in any kind of effort towards it. Even as I write this though I’m thinking “maybe I could try online dating again”. This would only be like 17th time? I don’t know…the only thing I’m really sure of is that I don’t have all the answers and perhaps I never will. Maybe all I can do is somehow muster up the strength to say “I’m not going to quit.”