I Quit?

I don’t really know why but I’m generally not one of those people who “won’t give up without a fight” or who sticks with something until it works out. I am fully able to quit and walk away from things I think I just won’t be able to accomplish (in my personal life of course, my actual jobs are a totally different story).

This is especially true when it comes to dating. Yes I know, I’ve practically beat this subject to a pulp on the blogosphere but it’s one that is forever coming in and out of my mind. As some of you may have read in an earlier post, I loudly proclaimed my resignation from the world of dating, and I’ve pretty much kept to that. I haven’t gone back online, haven’t accepted (or really even been asked on for that matter) any dates.

It would be nice if I could be one of those people who could say “Nope, I’m not going to let stereotypes or societal standards or ignorant people get me down and prevent me from finding happiness with someone else. I’m going to keep at this.” So I go back online, reactivate my OkC account and about a week in (2 if I’m lucky) I get annoyed and fed up with trying to figure out the best way to word that I have MD to someone I’m about to meet and then have to wait in suspense to see if they decide to meet me or even reply or not. I’ve tried to go in with a positive, “just see how it goes” attitude but it fails every time. I’ve thought about going back to my original approach where I wouldn’t tell them about my MD until I met them but that just isn’t ideal for either party. I don’t want to spend my already valuable and rare free time sipping coffee with some guy who, once they find out I have MD, is going to never call or want to see me again. I don’t think it’s really fair to the other person either. Even though it’s not my fault I was born this way (Lady Gaga anyone?), the reality is it’s something not everyone can handle and they deserve to know up front. Which again circles back to the whole wasting my time thing.

As you can see, a large part of my dating resignation was due to online dating. I think if I met a cool guy in person who wanted to go see a movie or grab dinner, I would. Now of course as I say that, I was met with a cool nice guy two seats over from me on a plane recently and didn’t give him my number and let him walk away so perhaps that last statement isn’t totally true but you get the idea.

My quitting of dating is kind of two-fold though. I can’t blame it all on online dating or the challenges of doing it with MD…I have my own self-created walls and hang ups. I hear girls talking in the bathroom or at restaurants about the guy they’re talking to. I hear them agonize over whether or not he’s going to call again or what that text message meant. I remember all too vividly what that was like. Waiting to be “scheduled in” by some guy you really like. Spending all your time with your boyfriend to the point you forget who you are as an individual. Letting guys treat you poorly or see you as just as object because you’re not confident enough yet to stand up for yourself or walk away. I’ve been through all of that and it’s exactly what I said…agonizing. And to be honest, I don’t miss any of it…at all. Unfortunately I think this is partially because I view the way I behaved with past guys as weak. I think that it’s weak for me to spend my time daydreaming about a guy or even wondering for a second if he’s going to call (again, I emphasize the me in that sentence…not saying I think the same when other people do it). And to be brutally honest, most times I would rather just spend time with my friends or hanging out solo than out with a guy I barely know, doing the dress up/get to know each other dance. I don’t ever want to be back that position I was in with so many guys because it was miserable. So alas, I equate dating with all of those things, all of those old feelings.

Logically I know that you have to take a risk to be able to get the reward sometimes. If I don’t put myself out there, I’ll never know what I might find. Sometimes I think I’ll be OK if I’m single the rest of my life. As you can tell, I’m not really willing right now to put in any kind of effort towards it. Even as I write this though I’m thinking “maybe I could try online dating again”. This would only be like 17th time? I don’t know…the only thing I’m really sure of is that I don’t have all the answers and perhaps I never will. Maybe all I can do is somehow muster up the strength to say “I’m not going to quit.”

7 thoughts on “I Quit?

  1. Jackie: I’m becoming More than proud of you. Like Me you refuse to accept DA FEET (pun intended) In my case it’s being stuck in a wheel chair, you it’s the limp and crutches. I’m going to be 60 in a week, so I’ve survived a lot more of this kind of rejection than you have had time to. As a kid in HS I couldn’t run well or do pull-ups. Never knew why, same with my parents, but I know why now and a lot of things make more sense now. In addition I DO NOT accept what doctors say to expect. Even my therapists at the gym and pool wonder why I don’t accept what they say. I challenge myself to a point where if I fail, I gave it my best shot, and didn’t accept the word CAN’T.
    Besides affecting my quads and triceps, I now have deal with Acid Reflux, ability to swallow solid food, another muscle, The Esophagus, being affected :-(:-( Then in addition my ability of smooth regular ball movements, are affected. Sure I gain strength lifting weights at the gym and pool, but enough already. Last week a friend in a band was playing at a restaurant in HB and asked me to attend. I did in my W/C and tried to hide out of the way of the dance floor. Not one but five different ladies looked past my W/C and asked me to dance, and wouldn’t accept a no. Another in the room took pictures and posted them on FB. I was looking for none of this. It just happened. If you’d like I can send you the photos to your FB site.. Two months ago I went to a car show at the beach to see a college friend who was displaying a classic Metropolitan Car. I wasn’t there 10 minutes talking with him, and a girl covers my eyes, and says, Guess Who?? Another friend from college I hadn’t seen for a couple years??? Asking when was my Birthday? Told her the end of January, on the 29t. Her response was perfect, Our new house is finally complete, elevator and all and Mike & I want to have a party for your 60th. I asked for nothing, just being me and I get these reactions. Sure I could give up and just exist on my own, but why?? Things are happening daily that blow me away, so I just go with the flow and smile.

    Think About It…:-)

  2. Now this is a subject I can highly relate on ! I have Limb-Girdle Type 2 Muscular Dystrophy, I’ve been a wheelchair since I was 8? I don’t remember, so I’ve never been asked out on a date.. I don’t go looking for dates, nor do I even go online dating, due to the fact that I think no one will date me because I need 24/7 hour care, and I think who would want that in their lives? When it would be so much easier choosing someone else, who won’t need help with everything that I touch.

    So I don’t date, I just read. And I mean READ. 27 books so far and counting, in-between full-time study and carers 8 hours a day.

    So I have come to accept that I’m never going to have any sort of relationship, and once I did accept that, I was happy, though lonely. And I am always thinking of the ‘What if’s’?

    Cyanne x

    1. Thanks for reading and the comments today Cyanne! I’ve really enjoyed hearing from you. I’m a huge reader myself, couldn’t live without book. Great you always make time to ready in between your studies and carers too! I will say your comment saddened me though, not because I don’t admire your attitude and acceptance of your circumstances but because we find ourselves in a world where wonderful people are made to feel like you can’t even think about the idea of dating because of your circumstances and being born with something that you had no control over. I completely get where you’re coming from though and don’t want to preach to you on how you should feel. We all have to figure out the best ways to deal with our MD, especially mentally. And if you’re happy then that’s all that matters (I get lonely plenty myself too so i completely understand that). But I will say I think anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives and even to take care of you 24/7 🙂 All the best, Jackie.

      1. Maybe one day i’ll change my mind, but right now i’m content in giving all my time to my study and hobbies that I have, don’t really have a social life either. But someday that’ll change ! I hope you have better luck in online dating!

        It’s helps hearing of other people with the same thoughts and feelings I face sometimes, I never speak about it with anyone, including my own twin sister who is also in a chair !

        Cyanne x

      2. Thank you! I tried it again for about 2 days before deleting my account again, lol. I’m not sure it’ll ever be for me (online dating) but only time will tell. Like you, I’m pretty content focusing on work, blogging and my friends.

        I know when I was growing up with MD, there was no internet and no blogs or that sort of thing so I felt really isolated and alone. Hearing stories from other awesome people like you has been such a huge help and inspiration for me so I totally agree how much it helps to hear other people are struggling or feeling the same way you do. That’s why I keep on bloggin! 🙂

  3. Happy day to you Jackie!

    I know this post is from a few months ago but, I must tell you I love it! The determination through the despair. I feel the same way. I have to tell you “the struggle is real” even for us So Cal ladies who are not dealing with a medical condition. You are not alone.

    I may not know what all goes through your mind when you are shifting through the ridiculous OKC, POF, Tinder, Match, Eharmony, Zoosk profiles (you may not be on that many but I am lol) but I do know that the most hilarious one that I have seen was a guy straight up in jail in his photos (cell block, in a jumpsuit, bunk bed background pictures and everything) I’ll never forget that he had the audacity to message me. When I read his profile it said, and I quote “As you can see I’m currently behind enemy lines… but I still have it together though in more ways than one” ROFL. I feel like if this guy is bold enough to find love. Anybody can find love. So please don’t give up. I am rooting for you!

    Thank you so much for reading my post.

    Joyce 🙂 

    P.s. I hope that you never have a man who’s in prison message you.

    1. Hi Joyce! Oh man, thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry you had to go through that but you gave me a much needed laugh 🙂 I haven’t had a prison inmate message me but I did have a 59 year old guy tell me I had a sexy weekend and that sex was good for all of us and call me sweetie. I had a few choice words for him before I blocked him. Online dating and dating really is a beast all its own. Thanks for reading and sharing 🙂

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