30 Going on 50

Something has been happening lately that I’m not too fond of. In fact, I’ve had moments where I’ve been flat out mad about it and shed some tears. My body is finally starting to feel the effects of my MD. All the years of bending over using just my back muscles because my legs couldn’t bend without my falling, all the weird twists I’ve had to do to get off sofas and out of cars and all the falling on its own. It’s finally starting to catch up with me…and I’m barely out of my twenties. My back hurts now more often than not. Sometimes to the point it wakes me up in the morning. On top of that, I don’t have nearly the memory I used to. I forget even the simplest things or something someone just told me in a phone conversation. I had a half a cup of coffee the other week and felt like I was on drugs or drunk or something. I have no idea what’s going on with my body or my mind but it’s been insanely frustrating. I shouldn’t be having all these issues at such a young age already. I can’t help the way I have to get up from things or that I can’t bend with my legs so I shouldn’t have to suffer the physical repercussions from that either. Of course, being the “assume the worst” person that I am, I worry something serious is going on inside this weakening body of mine (despite being surrounded by a constant barrage of sick people in December and January and managing never to catch it. Go immune system!)

This brings me to something else I’ve generally felt throughout my life. What I am about to say, I say in the most non-depressive, glass half empty way possible. I know it’s going to sound bad, but it in no way means that I don’t love life or think it’s completely worth living. But…I just have never had the desire to live a long time. When I say “long time”, I don’t mean I want to die at 40, 50 or even 60 probably. I don’t really have a set age attached to it even.

I reiterate how lucky I am that I have a type of MD that doesn’t get worse or lead to my muscles deteriorating like most cases do. However, I was born at a much weaker point on the spectrum than most people. This means that as I age, I’m going to be feeling the effects much sooner than the average person. I have much less muscle to be able to keep strong to begin with. That fact has hit me hard after this last birthday. Sometimes my 30 year old body feels 70. I can relate to my 93 year old grandmother on a lot of the things she’s feeling or the things she has a hard time with.

So I would love to be able to sit here and say that I can’t wait to grow old and go on senior bus tours and retire and all that but the reality is, I completely do not look forward to that. I don’t want to know what my body is going to be like in the later years if it’s already having issues now. I don’t want kids either so that will leave me with no one to take care of me anyway. Ok, I’m going down major buzzkill lane here and my parents read this so I don’t want them to worriedly call me in the middle of the night thinking I’m in shambles over here, so I’ll stop there.

I think I touched on this a long time ago. That I never really felt inspired to eat well or exercise and take care of my body because it was already behind the times to begin with. I very much had a “why bother?” attitude for a long time. I’ve since changed that for the most part (I still eat fast food on the weekends and have been slacking on the yoga I normally do) but I can’t deny that when I hear those news stories about “10 ways to live longer” or what not, it’s just not something I really relate to.

I hope that whatever time I am blessed enough to have on this Earth are filled with as many happy and amazing memories as I’ve already experienced. I’m not going to linger on how long I think will be or how long I want to be here but I will keep trying to make the most out of everyday. I may not want to be joining the AARP Grand Canyon trip but I do want to do whatever I can to enjoy the here and now…even if I have to take some anti-inflammatories along the way.

3 thoughts on “30 Going on 50

  1. Hi Jackie! Sharon Pavlovich introduced us to your story today in our OT class over at LLU. Your story really touched me and I’m so thankful for your willingness to share your experience with MD to the world. I’m sure other individuals with MD definitely appreciate your voice for MD and also, it helped me, as a budding OT professional, see life through your eyes as I read your blog posts.

    I love the humor you throw in here and there. The retired bus trips and the AARP tours…ahhh! That made me laugh! 🙂 Those aren’t up my alley either. 🙂

    This post made me reflect on the decisions I am making currently in my life, and how I shouldn’t have any expectations for my future. It’s so hard to live without expectations and to just take life day-by-day. It is even more hard when you throw in the aspect of planning, though, because there is knowledge in planning for the future, as well. But how do you plan for the future with no expectations? I love where your blog post is taking my train of thought! I kind of want to be your friend now! 🙂

    Thank you again for sharing and I look forward to following your blog now! Blessings to you! I also have a book recommendation, if you enjoy reading. I just started this book and the first chapter has already blown me away! It has a horribly designed cover (in my opinion lol), but I encourage you to check it out for some encouragement in living from day-to-day fully. It has already helped me so much to try to reframe my thinking when I start to feel pessimistic or I feel negative thoughts creeping in my mind trying to ruin my day. It’s called Everyday Deserves a Chance by Max Lucado (link below).


    1. Hi Lindsay. You’re my first comment from Sharon’s class…yay! Thanks so much for the great feedback. I’m glad my rather depressing and Debbie Downer post made you reflect in a positive way on your own life 🙂 I’m a planner, sometimes to a fault sometimes, which is ironically because of my MD. You have to think about if there’s stairs where you’re going, if you’re going to have to walk a lot, etc. but unfortunately I think I try to plan and control things too much in life as a result so that’s something I’m working on. Thanks so much for the book recommendation too. I am a readaholic, especially for anything inspiration/positivity related!

      1. I’m a planner and have a desire to control things as well. I have an anxiety and panic disorder, so control is a huge thing for me. My anxiety and panic can be caused by environmental stimulations, so I have to pre-plan trips and the like as well. It’s no fun, but it just seems to come with the territory with some conditions.
        I’m so glad you opened my eyes up to realizing you have to plan in terms of stairs, etc. within your condition. It makes me think more holistically about MD. If you don’t mind me asking, what was the name of the specific type of MD again? Sorry it slipped my mind.
        If you don’t mind me asking you a personal question (we can opt for email, if you would like to finish our conversation there; just let me know and I can send you my address)… I’m guilty of it at times and I know I’ve heard many others say it, and even others say it about other people. I’m referring to the phrase “suffering from .” Do you describe your condition to people as, “I suffer from MD…” ? I’ve caught myself saying that I suffer from my panic disorder multiple times and I try to catch myself from that habit, but it’s hard sometimes. I don’t want to over dramatize my life or condition, but sometimes it truly feels like suffering–especially if something has occurred due to my disorder, which makes me realize I’m not the typical average person who doesn’t have to “deal with what I deal with” (even though I know everyone has positives and negatives to their lives, whether they have a condition or not). I’m just curious what your opinion is on the phrase of “suffering from” a condition.
        I love reading too! Maybe we can share book titles with each other. (It’s so hard for me to keep up with reading for fun when I’m in school, though!). I’m counting down the days to summer vacation so I can read for fun, although I love my masters program very much 😉

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