I find myself struggling with the topic of friendship a lot, even at the age I’m at. I think it’s probably something everyone struggles with at any age but I keep asking myself the questions when it’s time to give up and when I’m just being oversensitive. I’m certainly not a perfect friend by any means and I could always put more effort in with certain people I think and I do flake sometimes. But then there’s moments when I feel like all I’m doing is putting in effort. When I’m doing all the contacting and asking about plans with certain people. Then I make the mistake of going on social media and I see those same people doing things together and I was never even told about them. It just makes you wonder. They were able to get a plan together for themselves, so why wasn’t I included? I’ve never even been on a trip with my closest friends but they’ve all been on trips with other people. What am I not doing to make more things happen?
It’s really quite exhausting as I’m sure you can tell just by reading that last paragraph. Maybe I just expect too much, I don’t know. These past couple of years I’ve really grown and redefined what I’ve thought about a lot of things, including friendship. I realize that it’s much more about quality than quantity. Do I wish I had a huge group of friends to pull from on those weekend nights when I don’t have anything going on? Of course. So all of these feelings I’m having make me kind of just want to say screw it. I know I’m worth spending time with and I know I really am a good friend, flaws and all. I don’t think I should have to try this hard all the time. Little one-off things are one thing, other people are flawed too and some people just aren’t crazy OCD planners like I am and I get that. But I also think there needs to be some give and take. I can’t keep trying and texting and trying to get stuff to come together when the people on the other end don’t try at all. It’s just not fair to me. If I’m not even a thought that occurs in their head, then that’s ok. We’re not meant to be best friends or close friends with everyone and people come and go in our lives.
The only thing I can control is myself and if I’m draining everything out of myself, feeling like I’m jumping up and down going “I’m here! Like me! Invite me! Pick me!” like a little girl, then I think it’s time to move on. Even if it means I don’t have the same quantity of friends. I don’t want to discount the amazing friends I do have in my life either, that do make the effort no matter what they have going on in their life. I’m so extremely grateful even to have a few of those kinds of friends. It’s a tough thing…adulthood and growing up and at the same time, I feel that insecure little girl creep up on me in situations like these. The scared shy girl in middle and high school that just wanted to be liked and to be accepted. The difference now though is I know I’m the only one that truly needs to like me or accept me.