There seems to always come a day when you start to finally accept your disability. When you start to accept yourself and focus on the positive. And then you find out you have a vision threatening ulcer on each of your eyes why? Because you can’t close your eyes fully every night because you have muscular dystrophy. Just when you think you’re healthy and don’t have to go to the doctor for the 6th time since January, your giant happy balloon gets burst.
Days like this you just can’t muster the positivity. I got some great news yesterday I was going to share but I was only allowed to be happy for one day before that had to come crashing down. I know this is the ebb and flow of life…for everyone…but sometimes I’m just tired of dealing with it. Why can I not have a week where I don’t have to assert my disability or convince someone I have one or conversely be reminded I have one? Why can’t I make it a few months without some weird health issue? I can sit here and come up with some BS about how I’m going to try find the positive in all this but I would be lying to you and to myself. It’s always going to be one thing or another. This will hopefully go away and then something else will come up. I can’t even let myself think about what might happen if the treatment doesn’t work.
I’m reminded now why I don’t date really anymore. I can’t even deal with this myself, how can I expect someone else to? On the same note, because I’m constantly having to deal with it in some way or another, I don’t have the time or energy to worry about someone else’s feelings or needs in addition to my own. Having a disability is a full time job (and I already have 2 jobs).
I feel bad even complaining about this because I know some of you have much more severe issues to deal with than I do but I just can’t get out of my misery today. I’m tired and drained. It’s hard to accept something that keeps insisting on challenging you and bringing you down. It isn’t my fault I have my MD so why am I having to deal with things that come from it (and have to pay for them to boot?). My dad reminded me that this isn’t a punishment but honestly, sometimes my whole life feels like a punishment. That or someone up there has a cruel sense of humor (and I’m sorry don’t give me that, “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle” thing right now). Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I’ll start feeling like myself again. Right now, it’s just me and my bed and a lot of sleep I hope.