The Unhot One

“Why date me anyway when you can date a girl that’s much hotter than me and doesn’t have a disability? Happens time and time again no matter what issues the guy might have. I don’t know why I even bother.”

This was a text I sent to my friend this morning whilst (clearly) having a giant pity party. I hate that I still find myself feeling this way sometimes. I know I’m only human and feeling defeated is a normal part of life. But I wish I could just feel ok about my disability and feel attractive both externally and internally all the time. I work so hard on it, I just feel like the payoff isn’t always big enough. I know it’s a conscious choice I make to accept myself or not, I just can’t seem to quite get there. Something just won’t fully click.

But I also have to acknowledge and be open about how I’ve felt the past couple of days. After a long time of being single, I’ve watched almost all of the guys I’ve ever liked or dated move on while here I still sit, single and trying to figure it all out. It’s not a competition I know, but it opens up the possibility for that little voice of inadequacy to creep up and tell you you must be doing something wrong or there must be something wrong with you for not being able to find someone else too. You can’t help but feel a little less pretty when you see some of the girls these guys have moved on with and even if they weren’t (on the outside), they still wouldn’t have MD which automatically gives them a leg up on you (pun intended). Not having to worry about you falling. Not having to be seen in public with a girl who limps. Not having to avoid stairs wherever you go making fun places like Disneyland, not quite as fun anymore. Lucky them. They all get to move on easily while I have to tire and toil just trying to find one person who will accept me and love me for me.

Dating is hard for everyone. It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack for everyone these days I think unfortunately. I can’t help but wonder though if it’s harder out here in SoCal. I’ve always gotten this feeling that most of the guys who live out here just think there’s something better around the corner. So they don’t commit until they’re much older and then find some 25 year old girl to marry and have their kids. Or they wait until some Victoria’s Secret model looking girl is interested in them and swoop her up. They see what’s in commercials and magazines and think that’s what they’re entitled to now. And who can really blame them with the way women are portrayed now a days? They don’t see normal women anymore except out in the world and even then, in parts of SoCal, the women look like the women on TV. So let’s be honest, if that’s what it takes to find a relationship, then I don’t have a shot in hell.

Of course I don’t want someone who is only focused on looks. If someone is going to be shallow then they are certainly not going to be able to accept someone who has a disability. It’s just a shame that you have to weed through so much of that to be able to find the ones who aren’t shallow. I’ve dated plenty of nice, non-shallow guys too but for whatever reason, things just didn’t work out. So you have all these odds stacked high against you. All of these things that have to come together to be able to make a relationship blossom (again, something anyone who dates has to deal with). It feels like playing a Jack in the Beanstalk-sized game of Jenga sometimes. When you know there’s no way the blocks aren’t all going to fall at some point.

I’ll probably get a lot of negative feedback for saying this, but the double standard that seems to exist drives me nuts. For most guys, it’s easy as can be to find the next girl to date, no matter what kind of issues he might have or how horrible of a person he might be. I know I get stuck a lot in this “well it’s so much harder for me” or “you can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have a disability” mentality in my life but when it comes down to it, for women…or at least for me…it seems to be so much harder to date. Add in the fact I don’t want kids and somehow I still have managed not to let myself settle for someone? You’ve got an Olympic-sized task at hand. Which I think is why I just don’t want to try. I think there are lots of awesome guys out there but I’m sorry, I don’t want to have to tackle this like a job. I love you Matthew Hussey, but I don’t want to spend an entire day going out and talking to every guy I come into contact with. I understand rejection is a normal part of life but I’ve already dealt with so much because of my MD, I’m not going to put myself out there for more than I have to. And I still just can’t quite get into the groove with online dating. It’s just too weird to have someone texting you asking you what you had for dinner when you’ve never even met them. Or having some 55 year old guy send you a message about how you had a “sexy” weekend. So maybe it’s my own fault that I’m still single because I don’t want to put in a bunch of effort to make it happen. But I just don’t feel like I should have to. I could do more things socially which would probably help but I’m at that age now where most of my friends have either significant others or husbands so the single and ready mingle days are far behind them, leaving me with no one to go out with (not that I even have much of a desire to do that anyway. I’d much rather stay in and watch a movie than go out to a bar on most Saturday nights).

I don’t know. This is just one of those topics that plagues me from time to time. Most days I’m completely content being on my own. I love the freedom I have and the ability to really focus on myself. I don’t have to explain my disability to someone else and they don’t have to be responsible for dealing with it with me. I just have to deal with it and that’s it. If I could just find a way so my friends didn’t have to deal with it either.

I’m at an age now where logically I understand there is much more to a person than what’s on the outside. So no matter how “imperfect” I might be physically, none of that matters. So even if these guys are dating “hotter” girls than me, that means nothing in the end. And it’s not a reflection on who I am either. But sometimes, it still just sucks. I always wanted to be one of the cool kids. Always wanted to be the hot girl. And every so often, the feeling comes over me that I would still like to be both of those things. And I’d like to stop finding myself writing blogs like these all the time. If I don’t get my feelings out, I feel like I’ll burst, but I wish I just felt so awesome about myself and dating all the time that I no longer had a reason to get my feelings out on the topic.

6 thoughts on “The Unhot One

  1. I love your honesty and the blog forum allows you to be just that, honest. It isn’t always pretty–honesty, that is–but it’s real. EVERYONE wants to be the cool kid or hot girl, and no matter how cool or hot a person truly is, there are going to be days like this one. Keep keepin’ it real. Thank you for this post!

    1. Thank you so much! I can’t tell you how much it means to hear that my honesty, no matter how repetitive, resonates with someone! I often beat myself up not just for feeling down on myself but also for blogging about it. I want to be the positive blogger all the time but then that wouldn’t be a true representation of my humanity and hopefully my sad sack days help someone else. I know when I’m having one and I read that someone else out there is feeling the same way it really helps just to know I’m not alone. Thanks so much for the comment!

  2. Jeez Jackie you sound like me. Except I’m a guy with MD. I could pretty much change the gender of your post and it would be my post. Your posts help make me feel better about myself and I thank you for that.

    Boy I wish I could write half as good as you. I have as much to blog about as you but I cannot get the words out like you. You are awesome Jackie.

    1. Thank you David! I really appreciate that. I’m so glad they help you feel better. Feedback like yours is exactly why I keep blogging 🙂

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