The Weight of It All

This is a photo from college that shows you just how skinny I used to be.
A very very skinny me in my college days

I had a rather sobering realization a couple of weeks ago. I’ve always been slender, at some point too slender to the point I would get teased and called anorexic (which I think the photo pretty well demonstrates). I never really thought much about how my weight worked in conjunction with my MD, other than I knew it contributed to my being skinny in the first place.

I’m still slender but I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been at. I’m happy with the way I look. The problem is these extra 15 – 20 lbs mean that’s an extra 15 – 20 lbs I have to try and lift off the couch or get out of the car. That’s an extra 15 – 20 lbs I have to try lift off the ground (or have someone else help with) if I fall and my arms are affected by my disability as much as my legs are so they’re just not as able to do what I need them to be able to do as they were when I was younger.

I pretty much can’t gain anymore weight and I definitely can never let myself get overweight. If I do, I may become completely immobile, never to get off the couch again. It’s a scary thought and something that honestly never occurred to me until the light bulb went off a few weeks ago.

I eat much healthier than I used to. I cut way back on fast food (which used to make up my meal count almost daily). I stopped drinking soda completely for a long time. I’ve since let myself cheat on that one a little bit more though. I eat veggies and fruit and I take vitamins. I’m definitely not as active though. When I was younger I was outside quite a bit. Nowadays I sit at a desk for most of the day and am sometimes too lazy to even get out of my chair, especially in the summer heat. I don’t go on walks like I used to. I’ve been trying to get back into yoga because I used to do that regularly also.

The reality is, myself and my body aren’t as young as they used to be and neither is my metabolism. I can’t eat horribly every day and get little exercise and expect that it’s not going to affect me. I have to work that much harder now to make sure I don’t gain more weight than my body and limited physical strength can handle.

It’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. I want to be healthy and maintain my current weight but I don’t want it to have to be this big stressful thing either. I want to be able to have a soda sometimes. I want to be able to have a giant bean burrito from Miguel’s Jr. or Del Taco on the weekends. But more importantly, I want to be able to just give my body a break and sit on the couch and binge watch TV some days. I don’t want to have to exercise everyday or walk in the heat. I don’t want to push myself so hard that then I fall and end up having to rest for days afterwards anyway.

It’s really hard to find a balance and I don’t want to be inflicting so much pressure on myself that I make myself miserable. But at the end of the day, it’s a balance I have to find and I have faith it’s a balance I will find. My body doesn’t have much choice. If I still want to be able to enjoy the almost 100% independent life I am able to lead, it’s something I’m just going to have to figure out. Come on body…we can do this! ❤

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