Lately there’s been a singular struggle in my day-to-day life: seemingly easy things being hard. I literally do the opposite of “don’t sweat the small stuff” and I sweat that the most. It’s not like this is something that’s all of a sudden come up. It’s always been a part of my MD. The funny thing is, I don’t stress or get frustrated by the big stuff as much usually. It’s dropping stuff on the floor and having to strain my muscles and my back to bend over and pick it up that bothers me, especially when I’m attempting to throw something away, aim right over the trash can, and whatever it is still manages to land on the ground about 2 feet away. It’s not being able to grip things very well and spilling things all over me or yet again, dropping stuff. I can’t even get a pair of jeans out of my closet while holding on to a shirt in my other hand. It’s not being able to get skinny jeans off without having to sit down because I can’t bend my legs enough, and then having trouble getting a good enough grip when I do sit down to grab them around my ankles. Trying on jeans/clothes in a dressing room with no chair or bench? Forget it.
This is going to sound ridiculous but it sometimes feels like the universe is working against me when it comes to this stuff. I feel like it should know that I have MD and therefore, when I drop something in the trash can, it should go in. I should be able to hold on to stuff and never drop it so I don’t strain anything. Door frames that have been there for years shouldn’t get in my way and bump into me.
I’m so extremely fortunate to be able to do all that I can and I shouldn’t take that for granted. I do have some pain too but it’s still so minimal compared to a lot of other people’s. Maybe because I don’t have to struggle with the bigger things as much, that’s why I zero in on the smaller stuff. I think I feel like my body has betrayed me being born the way it is so every small thing I can’t do that I completely feel like I “should” be able to do is just an example of that. Fortunately or unfortunately though, this is the only body I’ve got. It’s the only one I was given and it’s the only one that’s going to get me through my years. I have to accept that, flaws and all. I have to accept that sometimes I’m not going to get everything in the trash can and that it’s ok if I have to sit down to take my skinny jeans off (seriously, why do I even buy those things?). I don’t need to be in such a rush all the time anyway.
Some things are going to be hard, that’s just the way it is. We all have things that might be harder for us than other people in life. Mine just happens to be this. It’s not a punishment. It’s not that life is out to get me or the universe trying to make it harder for me (no matter how often it feels like that), it just is. I let myself fall into the black hole of “what a shitty hand I’ve been dealt” too often. I need to remember when, a long time ago, I said I wouldn’t change being born with MD for anything. There’s nothing I can do about it anyway so why let myself get so worked up about it?