I’m Gonna Make a Change

In the spirit of a blog I posted last week about life’s curve balls, I wanted to share some of the goings on with me, or at least the main thing that’s been on my mind lately. I haven’t been feeling very well for what feels like most of 2016. I won’t bore you with my annual medical report but I’ve been sick twice (causing me to use up all of the sick days that we get for one year already) and just generally haven’t been feeling 100%. I’ve had some days where I’ve felt normal but overall the days I’ve felt not normal have been the majority. Because I’m a chronic obsessor, I end up stressing out about things like this which lead me to not feeling well again and it’s a whole vicious circle. I’ve definitely been in tears about it a couple of times. I finally broke down and made a doctor’s appointment which led to a potential diagnosis of an enlarged thyroid on my right side. I have to have an ultra sound and had to get some blood work done. Anything weird like that is always a little scary, especially since I now have no sick time left to be able to take care of anything. But we’ll see what happens.

This all sounds miserable but some good has actually come out of it. I really do want to try find the positives in obstacles, even those that can overwhelm me into paralysis sometimes. Because of getting sick so often, I started to really look at my behavior and how I’ve been dealing with things lately. I realized that just this past weekend alone, I was really upset/maddened by something pretty much all 3 days. I thought about how many times I got mad (at myself) because I kept dropping things or because I couldn’t put my boots on as a result of my MD. I thought about how I got mad about something someone did on the road pretty much every time I got in the car. All of these things do not a healthy person make. Even though I eat better, I exercise, I meditate, I get plenty of sleep and drink plenty of water, I think the aforementioned behavior could totally be undoing all of that.

So the past few days I’ve really been much more cognizant of my behavior and reminded myself of a quote I used to live by but had forgotten:

Anger is like drinking poison, expecting it to kill the other person

The only person I’ve hurt in all of this is myself and I think my seeming lack of immunity is proof of that (the thyroid thing, I have no clue). It’s only been a few days but I’ve been purposeful in my behavior and reactivity a lot more and I’ve felt a much more general sense of calm which has been nice. I’ve been paying even closer to attention to what I’ve been eating too. I bought an air purifier for my room to try get rid of allergens in the air. So I’m trying. I can’t keep getting upset at others and at myself so much. I can’t keep going forward angry at the world because they don’t understand disabilities or are insensitive about them. I can absolutely try to remedy that but doing it with anger that I carry on my own back is only going to hurt me and not effect change. I can raise awareness without running myself into the ground.

I think if I hadn’t gotten sick this much I may not have had a reason to step back and take a hard look at the way I’ve been living life lately. I probably would have just continued putting myself through a mental and physical hell a lot (because as I said before, meditation isn’t a sweeping life fix, it’s just a help). I’m too hard on myself and I’m too hard on others sometimes too. I’m not perfect also so of course there are going to be times when I still get mad and stressed but though this has been a trying couple of months, I’m grateful for it forcing me to take a look at my life and change for the better.

So much of what we deal with physically (not including our disabilities), is a result of our mental state. I’m a firm believer in that. Stress, anger, negativity…that all takes a toll on the body after a while. So conversely, I hope that positivity and hopefulness will have the opposite effect.

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