Something has changed recently. I’ve become a lot more afraid to do things on my own or haven’t even had much interest in doing so. When I fell in a parking lot several months ago just trying to get a pitaya bowl and I couldn’t get up, I realized I had no one with me to help me and no one around that would help me, and that struck me pretty intensely. Since then, I’ve had a couple of instances of falling two days in a row and I was alone both times then too. I fell two days in a row on my recent France trip also and had a pretty significant meltdown after the second one. I was fortunate I had my parents there with me and my dad was able to get me up but now every time I even entertain the idea of going somewhere on my own, a mall, a walk around my local area…the image of myself falling flashes through my head. So instead, I opt to stay home or not venture very far. It’s certainly not fulfilling and I don’t want to let fear hold me back but at the same time, it’s a real and it’s a valid concern. No matter how many water aerobics classes I go to, the reality is I will never be able to get myself off the ground when I fall unless there’s something nearby that’s low enough for me to hold on to (I’m determined to invent something that I can carry in my purse to do just that!). And even then, that’s not a guarantee.
I always felt such pride when I did things on my own. It made me feel independent. It made me feel like I was being a rebel in the face of my disability. But now, the majority of the time, I’m either just totally apathetic or don’t want to take the risk. It certainly makes it a lot harder to choose singlehood when I know my life would probably be easier if I had someone around all the time who could help me up. But that certainly shouldn’t be the only motivation for finding someone.
So I guess until I invent that handy contraption, I’ll just have to figure out a way to brush off the fear and get back out there again.