The Shoulds and Should Nots

Don’t eat that. You need to save money. You’re a flake. You need to make yourself go to class. You’re supposed to be doing better this year. You need to start practicing what you preach. 

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you’re failing at so much? Where you’re stuck between what you want to do and what you should do? The aforementioned sentences are examples of just some of the thoughts that ran through my head today. Where does just living life end and making poor choices start? We’re barely into the New Year here and I’m already tired of trying to eat healthier. Some days I just don’t want to go to water aerobics either whether it’s from being tired or feeling weak. I know that I should so am I supposed to be forcing myself to do stuff that I just don’t want to do sometimes because it’s the more correct path?

I just feel like I can’t keep up with it all sometimes. I don’t want to have to think about every single thing I do in a day and question if it’s what I want to do or if it’s what I should do. I don’t want to feel drained from the overwhelming pressure of doing the “right” thing all the time. And I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore after I don’t.

How do I know when something is a legitimate reason for not doing something and when it’s actually something I can’t do because of my disability? How do I know how much of not doing something is because of my own fear and how much of it is because I really can’t do it?

I want to change and become a different and a better person but I find myself doing mostly the same things and making the same choices year after year. The cycle starts all over again. I would love to make these big sweeping changes and become this person who never lives in fear, who is able to step out of their comfort zone, who made healthy eating a permanent choice, who goes and wants to go to my water aerobics classes 3 times a week, who doesn’t back out of things out of fear. I’m just not sure if I’ll ever be that person and if that’ll be because of my own failures or just because it’s who I am and I don’t know if maybe that’s ok.

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