The saying goes…you have to believe in yourself, even when no one else does. I totally get that and I totally agree with that. But for me, for most of my life, the saying has been much more like trying to believe in myself even when everyone else does.
I’ve been lucky enough to have an incredibly supportive group of friends who build me up when I’m down and remind me that I’m valuable, smart, funny, and most importantly…worthy. It’s never really been “everyone else” that’s the problem. It’s always been me.
No matter how much evidence someone can throw at me that I’m worth believing in, I’ve always just had a lot of trouble getting there myself. I always feel like one mistake is going to be my downfall. That I’m going to be out of the job again. That I’m terrible at anything and everything. It’s much more than not believing I’m attractive or something more superficial like that. It’s not believing in my capabilities or my strengths.
I worry that if I believe in myself, that I’m really being a fraud. I knew a person at one point in my life who thought she was the most caring, sensitive, selfless person when really she was the most self-serving, dishonest, and careless person. I hate the idea of being that person. I don’t know why, but the idea of believing something about myself that might not be true seems like one of the worst things. What if I think I’m a good friend and I’m not? What if I’m just as selfish as that person was? What if I think I’m doing a good job and I’m actually doing a terrible one?
I try really hard to be self aware. To admit my flaws. To acknowledge where I need improvement. I think sometimes though, I end up too far on the opposite end of the spectrum. I end up not believing in myself at all, or only focusing on the flaws. I don’t give myself enough credit on the things I do right or do well. I don’t give myself a pat on the back for a job well done enough. I don’t take a look in the mirror and try to see myself as my friends and my family do.
I always hope that self confidence and self belief are things that are waiting just around the corner for me. That one day I’ll be able to pick them up and take them with me everywhere. That’s of course not how any of this works though. I’ve struggled with it for so long, I feel like at some point, something’s gotta give, right? I wish it just clicked for me to be like all the women I look up to that just don’t give a rat’s ass and believed in themselves no matter what life throws at them.
In the meantime, I’m beyond thankful for all of the compassionate voices in my life who remind me of the good things. Who remind me that I’m worthy, and who try to get me to see myself as they see me. Belief or no belief, I couldn’t do it without them ❤