When people think about disabilities, I think the first thing that comes to mind are usually the physical aspects. The physical effects of having something like MD are without a doubt, extremely trying. With every fall, I’m not sure how much longer my knees are going to hold out. But what can really take a toll is the mental part. Not only are you dealing with this random, rare thing you were born with that gives you pain, makes you weak, makes nearly everything difficult and that people often don’t understand or even seem to care about, you have to deal with what all of that does to your mind.
Every day is a challenge to pick yourself up (sometimes literally) and not let your disability affect you or bring you down. If you fall and you’re sitting there, feeling helpless on the ground, not sure if you’re going to be able to get up, you have to try get yourself up because most times, no one will even remotely offer to help you. Then you have to deal with the emotional repercussions of no one helping you. So you’re body is hurting and so is your spirit.
When people are inconsiderate assholes and use the handicapped stall in the bathroom when they don’t need to, or a parking spot they don’t need to, you have to try not let it get to you, while they go on their merry way. You’re the one that has to try to either brush it off or call them out which could lead to an argument or someone then thinking you’re the asshole.
You have to try find your self worth, even when society still tells you you aren’t worth anything because of what you were born with. When the world isn’t even set up for you to be able to experience it like everyone else.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to wiggle out of the hold my disability has had on me mentally and emotionally. I’ve come a long way but I still get tired, most often after I fall. I get tired of having to be the advocate for myself and other people. I’m tired of being reminded of just how present this thing is in my life and that it’s never going away. The worst part is, outside of my friends and family (who are a huge support system, don’t get me wrong), you can’t rely on anyone to care or try to help you. This is a battle you often have to fight at least partially alone.
Yep today, today my knees hurt, my back hurts, and I am tired.