On Being Me

I haven’t been very happy with myself lately. I’m not happy with my body or the weight I’ve gained. I look back at old photos and I don’t wish I was the 90-98 lbs I was for a lot of my youth because that was too skinny (hence why I’m now addicted to fast food cause I ate it so much trying to gain weight so people would stop accusing me of having an eating disorder). I do wish I was somewhere in the middle of then and now though. I see the weight on my face, in my stomach. No matter what I wear, I don’t think it looks good. If I ate better, I know that would help. I try but I inevitably give up because it seems like a losing battle. Water aerobics really helps so I’m glad that’s an option for me again but that’s more about my strength and less about losing weight. I look at people who can work out and I actually wish I could. I wish I could do pilates and yoga or take a spin class. It frustrates me that I can’t so I think that’s why I give up on trying altogether sometimes. Even when I was really thin, my stomach always stuck out so I’m not sure there’s much I can do about that anyway. I can’t get rid of the curve in my spine.

I haven’t been very happy with my personality lately either. My new job is the first time I’ve worked at a place where I don’t know anyone going in so I’m trying to get to know everyone with my introverted self. Sometimes I’ll want to jump into conversations but I won’t so I don’t seem like a butt-inskee. Then sometimes I will and then will think after, “shut up, Jackie, why did you do you that?”. I don’t say things I wish I’d said or I say things I wish I hadn’t. I want to ask people more about them but I get nervous and my mind goes blank and I can’t think of anything to say. It’s an ugly place, my mind. I know it’s just going to take time so I’m trying to just relax and take it day by day. I just want everyone to be able to see who I am (and ideally laugh at my silly jokes).

I’ve always been an overthinker. I do it even with family and close friends. I think back on something I said that day, cringe and think “why didn’t I ask them about this or that” or feel like I talked too much about myself. I know I’m too hard on myself. I just need to be confident in what I have to offer the world. I need to feel beautiful even with my fat stomach.

This is life through the lens of having a disability. My MD is the first thing people see in me, in the form of my limp. So I’ve spent my whole life trying to blend in so maybe then they won’t notice. I’ve been quiet because I worry what I might say will sound stupid. If I can’t control my disability, I at least want to be able to control my personality and how I come across. I want to be able to control my body and how I look. I’ve always felt like I had to be twice as “pretty” as everyone else so people would be able to look past my MD. Any other physical flaws I had always felt like they were even more apparent to the outside world.

I’m so thankful I’m not just focused on trying to make it through the day anymore like I was for most of 2018, but I hope that someday I’ll be able to find some inner confidence and inner peace too.




One thought on “On Being Me

  1. Time may feel like your enemy right now, in the lack of time you have had in your new position. Soon enough, I’m sure, time will again be your friend, and you’ll recall these days of uncertainty as if they were millions of years ago. I’m in a new school (again) this year, and I feel alone as well. I understand it’s part of my job that I go all over where I’m assigned, but as I get older, it’s harder to start over and over and over again. I find that I’ve become less willing to jump in wholesale, when I know I’ll only get to know a small handful of people anyway before I’m moved again. You have a long-term investment you’re making at work, so your playing field is different than my work playing field is, but I know you’ll find a comfy chair there soon.

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