I get lonely every once and a while but overall, contrary to societal beliefs, I’m not sitting around feeling sad and alone because I’m in my mid-30s and single. In fact, I relish it.
There are times though, as a person with a disability, when you get slapped hard with the realization that you are in fact alone and sometimes that’s really damn hard. One of the main times this happens for me is when I fall. Not just out in public where the vast majority of people won’t even offer to help me or ask if I’m ok…but in my own house too. Especially there actually. Whether I’m home alone or not, it becomes intensely apparent that I am in fact on my own.
I fell last week in the narrow space between my bed and the wall. My thigh broke my fall so my knees were spared (and I have the giant bruise to show for it). I was able to pull myself up on my bed but I hurt my back by doing that. Fast forward to this afternoon, I lost my balance in the kitchen and fell backwards while my arms had grocery bags on them. Our kitchen floor is tile and at first I wasn’t sure I was even going to be able to get up because of the pain. Thankfully it subsided and I was able to scoot into the other room and pull myself up on a chair, a task that was not easy to do as my whole body was still shaking from the fall.
In the moment when I was sitting on the floor, already tired because my roommate’s cats decided they don’t want to let me sleep and woke me up 4 times last night, I realized just how alone I was. If I couldn’t get up, I had no one in the house to help me and no one to even call to come help me. All of my friends were busy and my parents don’t live nearby.
It’s in these instances that you realize just how little control you have over your body. I was having such bad sciatic nerve pain before I went back to water aerobics that I could barely walk. That had finally gone away until today. Now it’s hurting all over again and I just have to hope that I didn’t do any further damage.
I do everything I can to try not to fall but my body always has other plans. I’m thankful I didn’t hurt my knees this time around because god knows they need a break, but I just feel so helpless. Why can’t I catch a break and not fall two times in one week? Why won’t my body, just once, try to help me out a little?
I love my singlehood and I love my solitude but I can’t help but worry sometimes about what will happen in the future. What if I do have such a bad fall that I can’t get up on my own? I can’t call the paramedics because I know what that hospital bill looks like from my car accident a few years ago. I can only hope that there’s a friend nearby that can come help me, but you never know. I refuse to try find a relationship just because it would be easier in times like this.
There’s days when I can get by and be ok with my disability, but then there’s days when I absolutely hate it (and my body). Today is one of those days.