This Christmas will be my first without you. Last Christmas was the last time I saw you. When you told me to pick out some of your jewelry and I told you no, that there would be plenty of time for me to do that. But you insisted. Somehow I think you knew. I think you knew you wouldn’t be with us very much longer. You were ready.
There have been so many times I’ve wished I could call you this year. Through the ups and the downs. Sometimes I’ll listen to the voicemail I saved from you from 2017, just so I can hear your voice again. I thought of you every time things got hard, every time people started taking advantage and treated me horribly. I tried to think of what you would have done or what you would have told me to do.
Every job I’ve had, you always asked me how it was going and how I liked it. I wish you were still here for me to tell you about the amazing job I have now. The one I never knew existed and never thought I would find. The one I’m not always sure I even deserve.
I’ve been really busy these past couple of months which has kept my brain occupied. Then there are these quiet moments at home when I’m watching TV (the “boob tube”) and that’s when I remember. That’s when I get sad. I made it through your first birthday without you. I made it through my first birthday without you. Christmas somehow seems so much harder though. Not just because this was one of the times I always got to see you, but because of all the memories I had with you this time of year.
This year has pushed and pulled me in all kinds of ways, especially after you left us. I suddenly felt like I’d lost my childhood for good. I’ve wondered what the point of all this is. This life thing. It doesn’t get any easier. It only seems to get monumentally harder. And it gets even harder when those you love, those who have been by your side for your entire life, are no longer there.
I don’t want to end this on a sad note though. I miss you everyday and wish you were still here with us, but I know you’re up there with G-pa looking down at all of us, laughing with your signature cackle.
Merry Christmas G-ma ❤