On Expressing Feelings

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my emotions. I’ve never been good at talking about how I feel (in the world, outside of this blog at least) largely because I don’t always know how to constructively express my feelings. I also hate confrontation so I don’t want to have to deal with what might come back to me if I do assert how I feel. I also don’t think well on my feet, especially if I’m upset, so I often don’t think of what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it until well after the fact.

I don’t know how to tell people that they hurt me. That I wish they’d be more considerate. That I don’t know how to have them in my life anymore because I’m tired of being used and then put on a shelf when someone better comes along. That I can’t be a doormat. That I’m unhappy. That I’m tired of the world not thinking about or considering disabled people.

Instead, I let everything build up inside of me like an empty tank filling with water. Eventually the water doesn’t have anywhere else to go so it just starts spilling out in the form of my emotions. I snapped at my roommate today. Something I’ve never done in the 11 years I’ve lived with her. I apologized almost right after but I still feel horrible about it. I need to find a more constructive way to channel my anger and frustration when I’m not able to talk about it. Ways that don’t include getting mad at everyone who does something shitty on the road. Road rage is not the way, Jackie.

I almost always know why I’m feeling the way I do, I just don’t usually know what to do with those feelings when they come up. I know I always feel better after I’m able to talk about how I’m feeling, but there are just some things that come up that you can’t tell people without hurting them. So I need to figure out what to do with the emotions that come up from those situations. When I’m never going to be able to let them out by talking about how I’m feeling, how do I channel them and work through them without letting the tank overflow?

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