On Who I Am

There’s one thing I’ve been immensely fortunate enough to gain with this pandemic and that’s time. Time to do all those projects I’ve been wanting to do. Time to relax and not have a never ending To-Do List or always having somewhere to be.

More importantly though, I’ve had a lot of time to self-reflect, and with that time, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who I am, who I’ve been, and who I want to be.

I am and I’ve been silent when I should have been loud. I’ve put the comfort of others before my own. I’ve silenced the voice in my head that wanted me to speak up so badly because I was worried about offending people or even losing friends. I haven’t learned enough about the struggles of my own community. I got too caught up in myself and stopped being a good advocate for the black community and people of color. I’ve told myself over and over, “I wish I could be more outspoken like that”… knowing it’s been inside me this whole time, but letting life chip away at me instead. Lacking courage because it was the easy thing to do.

I want to be someone who speaks up without fear and without shame. I want to be someone who is educated about disability and minority rights’ issues. I want to be someone who fights for those, no matter the cost. I want to be someone who can say what I think or what I feel even if it means people think less of me or I alienate people. I want to be courageous. I want to let myself be angry and to let myself be imperfect, even in a public forum. I want to be confident in myself and in my voice.

I want to be a person who is going to use the extra time this shitty pandemic has given me to turn who I want to be into who I am now and who I am becoming.

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