I’ve never really believed the adage that “life is too short.” For me, life has always felt a little too long even though the years seem to fly by the older I am.
Then COVID19 came. I didn’t think life could feel any longer than it did before, but when you’re spending day after day indoors or not going anywhere, it slows time down to a level I didn’t even think possible.
This is both good and bad. It’s good because before all of this, it felt like I had a never-ending to-do list. Even though a lot of my weekends were quiet and spent at home, during the week I was always going-going. Going to work. Going to water aerobics. Going to happy hour. Now I no longer feel that impending sense of need to get stuff done constantly. I have time to focus on things I never felt I was able to before. I’m meditating more than ever not only because it’s helping a good deal with my emotions during this incredibly awful time, but because I also have the time to dedicate to it. I don’t feel like it’s just one more thing on my to-do list. I let myself get too absorbed in myself before this, and now I’m trying to use this time to focus on others and truly learn about the struggles other minority groups are facing, including my own community (cause I’m a pretty shitty disabled advocate sometimes).
The bad side is probably pretty obvious. The slow down means it feels like it’s taking even longer to reach a resolve with this virus. It’s that much longer we have to wait until there’s a vaccine. It’s that much longer we have to wait to resume some kind of normalcy (for those of us who actually give a shit and do what it takes to keep the virus from spreading). The US has so royally screwed up the fight against COVID too that we’re destined to endure this even longer.
We’ve been in COVID territory now longer than we weren’t in 2020 which is just surreal. So far, I’ve managed but there’s days when I don’t know how I’m going to do this until next year when they’re expecting a vaccine to be ready. And even when there is one, it’s not like the doors are going to fly open and we can all go outside and stand in crowds (I actually really want to stand in a crowd when I’m able to. That’s something I never thought I would say). I’m not sure I even want to celebrate all of the holidays that are coming up, including my birthday. That sounds dramatic but it just feels weird to be celebrating anything right now.
I miss so many things like I know everyone does. I miss just being able to be around people without having to worry that we’re going to kill each other. I miss being able to go to Target on a weekend morning and just roam around and look at things. I miss seeing my friends. I miss having lunch and laughing with my coworkers. I miss my desk. I miss the pool. I even miss driving to work. I wish I would have appreciated that a lot more when I was able to. I miss not totally hating the county I live in because they’ve been complete and utter assholes about the virus.
There is a long road ahead for all of us and I’m trying to take it day by day and do what I can to keep myself physically and mentally healthy. I certainly have a lot to be thankful for, but there’s no doubt that this whole situation sucks. Those of us who have cared and have done the right thing are paying the price for the people who don’t care and for our joke of federal leadership.
Hope everyone is doing ok and staying healthy out there.