On Election Night 2020

I remember the night before the last election. I was out with friends at a local bar/restaurant. We were sitting outside anxiously watching the results. We thought we knew how it was going to turn out. We were certain of the results. We were wrong.

I remember driving home that night with a huge pit in my stomach. I cried myself to sleep, but I was still holding on to a modicum of hope that maybe when I woke up in the morning, the results would be different.

They weren’t. My worst fears had come true. I was told I was overreacting when I posted that I was terrified of what the election results would mean for our country.

When the Electoral College had a chance to change things, they didn’t. I sat and cried again, uttering the words, “he’s going to fuck everything up!” His supporters won’t agree me with on this of course, but anyone with any kind of sound reason will agree with me on that statement now I think. It wasn’t just making fun of a disabled person, or making racist and misogynistic comments. It wasn’t just lying to everyone’s face and being proven to be lying over and over again. The real “fuck up” came when COVID came. The reality is, Americans don’t like being told what to do regardless, but there’s no doubt that this pandemic has been beyond mishandled. In fact, it’s been denied by those who are supposed to be leading our country. The head of the coronavirus task force only started wearing a mask after public pressure. When he was exposed to the virus, he refused to quarantine and kept going out on the campaign trail.

In all honesty, I think it may be too late for any candidate to fix the damage that’s been done with COVID. Our only hope is treatment and a vaccine now. But what I do know is that our country needs the change in leadership. Those of us who care about others, who care about COVID, who have been doing the right thing, and who have been barely making it through this year deserve a win. We need some kind of hope to be able to hold to.

This election night looks a lot different. I’m home. I’m not with friends. I’m not out at a bar watching the election results on my phone. In fact, I’m not watching the results at all. This will be a historic election for a lot of reasons: the amount of voter turn out, the fact a female of color is running for VP. But it will also be historic because I don’t think we are likely to have any kind of resolution tonight, tomorrow, or maybe even at the end of the week. This is a very different election in so many ways.

I’m hoping for some peace before bedtime this time around. I’m scared to hope for much more than that. This year I’ve lost hope in a lot of things: people, our country, progress. I was proven wrong the last time and I know that could very well happen again this time.

Most of this year has been a total nightmare. I keep hoping someone will wake me up and they never do. Maybe the end of the year will bring some redemption. Otherwise I’m not sure how to even go forward.

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