I thought I would try to do this thing called life on my own (by on my own, I mean single. I am certainly not without immense amounts of support). I thought it would be awesome and amazing and I would be able to say “Hey, look! I did this and did it as a single, disabled woman!”.
But that’s not how it turned out. I got an impossible living situation. I got the highest inflation and rent prices since the 1980s. I woke up to the reality that I can’t in fact do it on my own. That it’s too hard.
I have no one to blame but myself for the situation I’m in. I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought that if I changed my mind and wanted to date again, I could do that whenever. Instead, I got a pandemic. A pandemic that’s not getting better. Some people may have the luxury of “living their lives” and doing whatever they want regardless, but I don’t. Dating for me was already hard. The rejection, the trying to explain my disability the “right” way so I didn’t freak the guy out. The constantly having to talk myself out of settling for a guy who was covered in red flags because he was the only one who was interested. To find one that didn’t want kids. Now I would have to weed out the ones who are anti-vax and aren’t COVID safe? I might as well go try and find a needle in a haystack.
So many of us are struggling right now, I know. This pandemic affected all of us, especially my generation. Right when we’re in the peak of our lives, trying to move out, trying to start families, this shit hit. All of us are affected by the completely unreasonable cost of living now, not just me.
On this Valentine’s Day, I’m just having to come to terms with all of the bad decisions I made. The not listening to my gut. All of the things I avoided because I thought I didn’t want them, but maybe I was really just too afraid. Maybe I just didn’t want to keep subjecting myself to the rejection because I already rejected myself so much.
So now I sit here alone. I’m getting older. I’m an only child. I’m not going to have my wonderful parents forever and then what? I don’t want to be with someone just so they can take care of me, but what am I going to do when I’m truly on my own? When all of my friends are married and have families. Even now, I’m living on a single income that isn’t making the cut anymore thanks to COVID.
I’ve always been a person who has a difficult time with the fact that my disability makes my life so much harder. So now I’m having to grapple with the choices I made that are now making my life even more difficult, and throw in a pandemic there just for fun.
When I was in my previous living situation, I actually looked forward to Valentine’s Day. It was a day I could treat myself or do something special for myself. This year, doing that felt totally pointless, and now I have to be way more mindful of my finances.
It’s just a holiday, I know. This year, it’s just a holiday that’s falling right in the middle of a tough time and reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made up until this point.
But tomorrow is another day…