In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. -Buddhist Saying
I read this quote today (via I Am That Girl of course) and I loved it, but it also got me thinking. I think the “how much you loved” is pretty self explanatory. I feel like it’s something attainable for me anyway, especially as I embark on this vulnerability path. But living gently…I wonder what that truly means. How can I live gently while also maintaining some kind of feistiness? While being able to stand up for myself and not be too nice? Where do those lines blur or cross?
How can I let go of things? I think I’m much better at this than I used to be but I’ve always kept such a tight grip on life…have always tried to be prepared for everything so I would know what was coming. Tried to control what I could in order to achieve the outcome I was the most comfortable with. A lot of that stems from growing up with a disability. I needed to know if there were stairs ahead in the building I was going into. Would I have to walk a lot? Could I possibly trip and fall? I didn’t want to expect the unexpected. How do you let go gracefully? Does that mean just allowing it to pass and not acknowledging what you’re trying to let go of? How can you let go of things ungracefully? I’ve had plenty of things come into my life that weren’t meant for me and I’ve been able to recognize those pretty easily. Some things have been easy to let go of, while others haven’t. I’m not sure if any of it was done gracefully. How do you find balance between just letting go but still doing what is meant for you or good for you? When does letting go become reckless? When does not letting go become not really living or trying to be too controlling?
These are the questions running through my mind as I lie here, the sounds of the new Justin Timberlake album blaring in the background (I had to give the JT plug, what can I say?). Maybe this is going to be a gradual learning process. Maybe I’ll never know the answers to all the questions. Maybe that’s the true part of letting go. Accepting that maybe we’re not always going to know how to do everything, how to achieve everything. Accepting that we’re just not going to have all the answers and learning to be OK with that.